The Fine Art of Listening

Many books, blogs, speeches, seminars, and energy has been invested in sharing the various ways by which one can better communicate. The funny thing, few make enough noise about learning from your partner the ways of communication.

The wolf pack is constantly learning through play the art of communication. They perfect many scenarios in play. The same can be done in human relationships.

Ask. Listen. Ask. Confirm. Repeat.

If in doubt, unsure, unaware, unlearned, what have you… ask. No way to know what’s in someone’s mind if you don’t ask. When asking, don’t start with an accusatory tone. Begin with the “I want to learn” tone used when first flirting and dating.

When asking. Actually listen. Not try to anticipate a response. But listen to all the signals being sent. When the partner says yes… are their eyes saying yes happily, are their hands moving in agreement with the words? Pay very close attention to the verbal, non-verbal, and between the lines answer before formulating any responses. Do not pre-qualify the answer either. They have the right to answer any way they want.

Then. Ask again for clarification. “Did you mean this… when you said that?” Make sure you totally understand fully what the person wanted to say. Many times, they’re not aware that they’re answering in partial answers… because in their head, they know the full answer and assume you’re working with the same amount of data. Get clarity first.

Confirm what you understood so that they know you understood. This can often involve repeating in your own words what you understood. This is most critical in moments of contention and emotions are on the verge of running high but there is no urgency of time to get an answer. Meaning. You’re about to have a fight over something that was not done. There is no time pressure to sort out who forgot to put the laundry away. This method helps keep things cooler, when done right.

While in good times, it’s easy to skip the confirmation step, people use it in different ways in many relationship. Just look at two best friends talking. They have their way of confirming what the other said through various means. When that support is in place, it keeps the conversation flowing and keeps everyone in sync. The minute that synchrony is lost, the conversation diverges quickly and then the two look like they’re talking at each other instead of with each other.

The repeat is basically the way the conversation moves forward. With each topic or new shared information, the process repeats itself. Ask questions, show interest, confirm what you heard, support the conversation with affirmations and confirmations. Repeat.

Fine Application

Nowhere is the listening art more critical than in intimacy. Lots of harm can happen when two people are sharing their souls yet neither is being heard.

The more trust is on the line, the more the art of listening is critical. Under ideal circumstances, the alpha male will be so in-tuned with the needs of his lady that she barely has to vocalize her needs and limits. They would have had that discussion before getting intimate and the act of intimacy would be like fine high performance dancing.

In a manner of speaking, the need for safe words is in part because one or the other has not communicated the limits well enough in advance. This could be for a number of reasons, one of which is not knowing the limits ahead of time.