Before one forgets the color Pink

Most children do not have to learn strong high-level precision of their emotions until they’ve reached adulthood. Their naive approach to live is what makes them curious and able to learn a lot. Some children, sadly, learn at a young age what is reserved for adults to learn. The art of controlling their emotional expressions.

In those early days, children ran and played and enjoyed life filled with laughter. It’s also the time of life where attraction to the opposite gender has not yet taken over the minds of little humans.

There was an incident that marked Andrew in ways he’d just started to appreciate in adulthood. Of course, the appreciation came many moons later after humiliating himself in front of Kate. Yes, that incident at the coffee shop should have never happened… as far as Andrew was concerned. Yet, his weakness for the feminine curves of an intelligent woman was going to be the ruin of his life.

let us jump into his apartment… and see how Andrew is doing… considering how his day went with Kate.

The First Pink Incident.

Kicking his cup across the small kitchen floor, Andrew pounded an angry fist on the counter. He had slipped up badly. He knew he was wrong for allowing himself to feel Kate’s leg under that table. Just. Wrong.

His mind wrestled his demons who were dead set on bringing back memories from his distant past. His therapist had convinced him to experience these moments so that he understood them and no longer felt trapped… so to speak… by them.

So… to give honor to the coaching his therapist had given him, Andrew found his corner and sat.

It was a special corner, the place a refrigerator should have been. It functioned as a cave, a three sided wall. Dark, out of sight from the rest of the apartment, with low overhanging cupboard cabinets, it was the solitude that resembled the closet space he had created in his parent’s place.

Often seen as the punishment corner for his brooding moods, Andrew often waged meditative war with his demons as he worked to maintain exact control of his overly ambitious feelings. Especially with regards to Kate.

Andrew hoped that with enough effort and will power, he would eventually break the grips his demons held over him. One free, he would be lovable. Once free, he could build himself up to deserve a woman like Kate.

Why did Kate have to keep coming to mind so much!?!

Once settled on the polished wood top of the otherwise very hard bark-less piece of wood… the stomp he used as a seat, Andrew braced himself for the demonic ride. His hands clutched at the walls as he steadied his back against the cold paint. His head down, his eyes squeezed shut, his teeth totally clenched, Andrew felt the sweat start to pour.

As the memories welled up and flowed over him, his body tightened and fought back hard to suppress the memories of his second deepest shame. There was no touching his deepest most shameful of moments. That was just not permitted. He kept those in check with an iron fist reinforced by concrete, chains, and radioactive armor.

Back in his childhood.

The sounds of other giggling children would have, otherwise, made this memory very soothing. Andrew could not risk relaxing and getting comfortable with this scene. He knew what was coming. This tape had been played countless times.

His mom was chatting and laughing with her close friend. They were at ease in the back of a small church. The very recollection gripped Andrew’s gut with intense cramps and pain of regret and hatred towards himself.

The other children were running about without adult supervision. This was something his parents would never allow. What made this memory all the more painful, his siblings, who usually were kept from running about, were free that day to crawl and run about as they wished… all save Andrew. Andrew was not afforded the luxury.

His dad was in the conference room in the back. The next church function would not take place for another half hour. The good sweet older women of the church were busy serving all the hungry folks from the neighborhood. The men were keeping things orderly.

Andrew was allowed, this rare time, to sit on the floor and play with his toy truck as the family waited and mother chatted.

Mrs Edward’s friend was dressed to impressed. Many women of the church hated that lady. She was too dressed up for everyone’s comfort. All the other women of his mother’s age seemed on edge whenever this lady came by. But Mrs Edward was different. His mom didn’t feel any threat at all. These two were eventually close friends. The other women remained wary of the closeness of their friendship.

(note… Andrew had suppressed the name of the woman who was friends with Mrs Edward… last chapter revealed her name to be Ms Rose. Eventually, Andrew will remember… for now… carry on with this dark memory

That didn’t really concern Andrew, as he knew he was mixing memories of his older childhood with the vision of his younger childhood. At that time, he just knew he liked having his mom’s friend near by. The lady was sweet and kind. She took good care of him whenever his mother was busy doing whatever mothers do in church.

There was an air of comfort and soothing that felt right. Andrew would later understand it to be the feelings of belonging he would want in a future mate.

But then, as his body stiffened up and braced for the worse, Andrew’s mind stood on a razor’s edge as the memory moved forward towards the humiliation of a life time.

The demon called for reinforcement as Andrew’s instinct proved too strong for one demon alone to force the image forward in time. Andrews nails were starting to rip into the paint of the wall as he ached to put an end to the madness in his head.

The scene grew hot. Someone had raised the temperature in the sanctuary. Everything seemed to slow down. There was a shift in the vibe of the room. Words were now very muffled. Lights seemed incredibly hot and ultra bright. His pulse was slowing but pounding incredibly loudly in his ears.

Somehow, Andrew had made the decision to slide his truck beneath his mother’s legs towards the friend. He had never done this before. If anything, unless his mom told him to go to her while in church, he kept away. There were so many well meaning women in the church who had warned him about approaching the “she-devil” his mother blindly trusted.

As Andrew watched the truck slowing in slow motion near this woman’s position, he became overwhelmed with flashes of intense radiating heat. His face turned red. His breathing became labored. His vision narrowed.

He could feel the claws of his demons ripping at his body trying to yank him forward in the timeline of his memories as his mind tried to freeze him in space. The humiliation was ahead… his instinct was pulling him back. The demons’ claws were shredding his soul trying to press him forward.

Pressing his legs firmly on the ground, Andrew pushed as hard as he could to sink into the wall behind him as his imagination saw his childhood body move delicately towards his wayward truck. His soul screaming “no” but the demons winning. There was no guardian angel to save him then and now.

Blood filled his mouth as his teeth gnashed and chewed up his cheeks and tongue. Andrew had never gone this richly into this memory before. And the worse part… he had this very weird feeling that the spirit of Kate was holding the reigns on the demons to help them pull him into the abyss.