In order to define the dominant side of the equation, one must have the submissive side setting the stage. Without one, there is no other. Society glamorizes what appears to be the upper hand, but in really, it’s the power of the submissive which allows the dominant to be.

Ying to the Yang

Without the power of the submissive, there is no dominant. The true power exchange is defined by the acceptance of the submissive. Should they not agree, there is no power exchange.

In simple terms, if she (to go along with stereotypes) does not agree to submit to him (again, stereotyping here) there is no us. The man needs his lady to help define the very role he will play in her life. She has to know what she wants. She must know herself.

Most men spend time inquiring what a woman wants. It may not always be evident, but we’re constantly searching to understand what is needed.

Why?

So we can provide. Most men get shy/nervous when they do not know what their roles are and what to provide. Some men have had the luxury of figuring this out early. Others find their lack of knowledge a stumbling block. Should a lady mishandle their lack of knowledge, ample amount of hurt and damage can take place.

note this does not mean the woman has no need for the man. Quite the contrary. The fullest expression of her power outside of romance does not need a man but within the context of romance, does.

The power dynamics

The overly simple concept is that men add and women multiply. It helps explain several aspects of a trust built relationship. The man will add value to the woman’s life on the terms she sets. She will multiply that value and share it back to him, her children (if there are any present), and her community.

If a man subtracts values, the woman divides that as well. The flying sparks from such a negative equation has made several movies reach the big screen. (the expression… “hell has no fury like a woman scorned”… shows us the divisive nature of a man’s subtractive behaviors)

In psychology, it is often said that the woman selects the man well before his first hello. She agrees to be approached or not. The man may feel like he made the first move, but often times, he’s reacting to her selection preferences on a subconscious level.

From there, the whole cat and mouse chase scene revolves around the testing of boundaries and setting up agreements between the two. One asks the other on a date and the recipient agrees or disagrees. Same for how fast a relationship moves.

In a childish way of speaking, the person who can say “yes” or “no” holds the brakes of the relationship and thus has the ultimate power. Straining the car metaphor… no matter how much gas a man pours onto the relationship, the brake pedal can always hold the car in place… controlled by the woman. Ask any person who has done a brake-stand with any muscle car, they’ll tell you that the brakes can hold the most powerful car in place.

But… really… what does happen in the power exchange…

The man offers to take on a lot of decisions and responsibilities to take care of his lady. Not because she can’t do it herself, but because he takes pride in being able to do it so she doesn’t have to. She agrees to how much she’s willing to have him do for her. It’s her choice. He’s only making the offer. When she agrees, it frees her up of a series of activities/choices and allows her the freedom to experience the love given more fully as well as give her love more freely.

The man, while taking on his responsibilities, offers his heart to his lady for her to keep safe. He makes himself vulnerable to her. She is the one taking care of his needs on an intimate level that no other has access to. The armor, ideally, is opened only for her to step into. There, she cares and tends to his heart.

The woman, while in the care of his heart, gives him strength to face the world. She nurtures him, she listens to him, she speaks life into him, and she ensures he’s grounded. This is not a simple and easy task either. She has to tune in to him, get past his ego, and have the strength to deflect any attempts by the ego to kick her out. In return, she gets to see her man blossom and grow and get better at taking care of her.

The ying can’t be without the yang because the yang understands how to be by chasing the ying. The ying gets better at getting caught but also escaping the more the yang chases.

In the words of Son Plaisir You’ve got to be good at being chased, but you have to get caught, before slipping away to be chased again. OK.. Paraphrased actually… as she said it more eloquently.

A great woman will keep her man healthy by allowing him to chase her. But she knows when to get caught so that he feels the necessary pride in his hunting skills to hunt all the more.

This implies that both parties have to remain fit at their respective skills in the hunt. The man has to know how to chase his lady even if married for many years. He has to know how to court his lady. He has to know how to keep creative and innovative. He also has to know where the limits are so he doesn’t cross them, but more importantly, he doesn’t allow his lady to cross either.

A woman’s sense of security rests heavily on the trust that her man will not let her cross limits that need not be crossed. These could be limits she’s asked him to upkeep as well as limits he foresees that she’s yet to identify… but would agree to.

A man’s sense of provision is in the feedback he gets from his lady about his performance. Men, contrary to what our ego says, do want praise, recognition, and accurate assessment of their abilities. The delivery of such information makes all the difference in the world. Some women prefer to be cruel. Others know how to lovingly empower their men with the truth.

Wolf Wednesday

The real strength of this ying and yang dance is the bulletproofing of the relationship. No one can break in and create a wedge between two people so committed to making each other be their best. When the man is focused on his lady and she on him… they’re not distracted by what could have been with someone else. Their relationship is solid and secure.

Caveat… just because some folks are able to experience polyamourous connections does not take away from the value of the prior paragraph. The only way to successfully have a polyamourous bond is if the central core unit is super secure and super strong

The whole post did not emphasize a BDSM union for one reason, this principle of the ying and yang applies to both vanilla and kinky relationships. It is the author’s opinion that it is all the more crucial in BDSM because the demands on trust are greater.

Many in vanilla relationships understand this and experience amazing romances. However. Anyone who does not understand that any relationships requires both parties to do their part to their best… is subject to the risks of failure.

In same sex relationships, one person tends to specialize more in the ying while another specializes in the yang. The advantage they have is there are less social pressures preventing them from switching specialties during the course of their relationship. This allows them to better understand their partner… assuming they do communicate as they should.

This ability to see from the other’s perspective by taking on their role is possible in straight relationships if both parties are willing to do the necessary work. There are many who do this and are very happy about it. But it is negotiated and talked about and handled in full love.

To wrap this week’s post… never underestimate the power of the one holding the submissive role. They are critical shaping the very definition of the dominant. The sub has the power to say “no” and expect the “no” to be respected.

Any violation of the “no” changes the nature of the relationship from loving to abusive. A smart, attentive, loving, keenly tuned dominant is always aware of the “no” and does not violate it. He only operates in the “yes” his sub defines.

If you’re in a relationship and you ask your partner to respect your “no” and they do not… they’ve broken the very existence of your relationship by destroying your trust. Do not settle for abuse. Move on. Find you a relationship that has trust and respect as it’s foundation. In that context, in that framework, you’re free to play to your heart’s content!

Fellas… no matter how much you want to… never betray her trust. When she says “no”… that is a non-negotiable line. Only in respecting her boundaries can you experience the bliss and joys of “yes”.

Happy hunting fellas. Happy running ladies. Let the ying and yang forever do what they do best.

For those, in the future, who will want to binge on older Wolf Wednesday posts, they will be aggregated in groups on the portfolio section of the blog below. Just click on the image or title to access the table of contents of that group. Thank you for checking out the posts in real time and in binged review.