The road from teen years to adult years is filled with lessons pushed on us that society feels we must know. The awkward dance with the topic of procreation has left many giggling in class. Yet, for all the talk about teaching the next generation healthy practices, most people uncover their sexuality through experience.

This often leads many to miss a few discoveries. Those, when they do arrive later in life, can offer plenty of surprises. When dealing with the added responsibilities of adult life, these surprises can cause a bit of friction between two lovers. None more than when a lover discovers that they have a darker side to themselves.

This post will not attempt to cover all instances or suggest answers. Instead, this is just a thought exercise that may bring a bigger conversation around the dark side of love.

How should I tell my partner of my dark side?

Adam had been chatting with a few friends online for months about feelings he couldn’t share with his lady. Adam was a good conservative well raised man who treated his lady like a queen. Always uplifting her and supporting her, he had endured the occasional jab from co-workers who thought his wife was the dominant person in their relationship.

Taunts like “do you have to check in with your boss” or “before we ask you to come, text your whip to find out if you can go” didn’t ease his feelings of being the man in a relationship.

The soul searching for his place in romance took a strange turn when Adam uncovered a small group of people who loved to play with ropes in their relationship. There were all kinds of knots and poses. Something deep within himself was drawn to the appearance of power dominance the images seemed to represent.

Through some dialogue, Adam quickly understood that it was not feelings of fighting back to gain power he was after but the power exchange that comes from extreme levels of trust. The thought of his lady trusting him completely to do with her body as he saw fit drew him. The thought of understanding his lady so completely to know her pain limits and her pleasure limits was awakening Adam a sense of masculinity he had lost.

Considering how strongly his lady felt about feminism, Adam was very perplexed and concerned about raising up this topic with his lady. Many questions rattled about his head as Adam grappled with his feelings.

Would she go along?
Would she find it weird?
Would she prefer to secure him with ropes?
Why did the thought of himself being tied down not sit well with him at all?

The more Adam meditated on these thoughts, the more his behavior started to betray him. A hunger to take charge and create more passionate encounters with his lady swelled in him.

At first, his lady appreciated his improved desires to connect. But then, questions started to surface. Adam didn’t know how to bring up the topic of his desires to his lady. There was too much at risk. The downside of such a conversation was terrifying. What was Adam to do?

The rise of the dark side

Adam is not the only person to ever experience this. Many women have experienced what many men feel is uniquely their struggle. When one uncovers their naughty darker side, a degree of vulnerability enters the equation and makes it harder to discuss.

A love based relationship has it’s own set of challenges. A trust based relationship just magnifies this on a whole different level. IS there a difference between a loved based versus trust based relationship? Yes.

What’s the difference?

A love based relationship is what most modern western relationships are based on. One person falls for and woos the other. When the both fall in love, the relationship progresses to a more serious state. It could be living together, getting engaged, or marriage. For the purposes of this blog, we take the perspective of marriage.

A trust based relationship focuses on building trust first and basing the relationship on trust. Love plays a role but is not the primary reason for the relationship existing. In some instances, long term relationship status is not necessary. For the purposes of this blog, the emphasis is going to focus on having a long term relationship status, such as marriage, as the foundational piece of trust.

Sadly, many have fallen in love with someone they don’t fully trust. They’re with the person but can’t fully trust the person. In a trust based relationship, even if love is not present, the ground is made fertile by trust for love to flourish whenever it’s ready. Many fall in love and hope to build trust to sustain love. In a trust based relationship, love can come and go as often as if feels like it without disrupting the values that hold the relationship together.

That’s one complicated way of differentiating the difference between a vanilla relationship and one that isn’t. Both will have love but one will push the limits to discover more.

So… what happens when a dark side shows up?

The conversation will vary from relationship to relationship. The one thing that can’t be forgotten, just because you feel it and want it does not mean your partner must feel the same and want the same. They have the right to not want anything to do with what you’re discovering. This truth is very difficult to understand, let alone accept.

The other key thing to remember, by the time you’re bringing this topic up to your partner, you’ve had time to process and work with it and they know nothing about it.

If Adam springs up on his lady the desire to tie her up and expect her to say “sure, tie me up now” he’s delusional. Unless this was a long standing fantasy of hers, the initial reaction is more like “what ever got into you?” to say it politely.

Adam has to be prepared to answer questions, give space for processing, and do the work of leading his lady to a better understanding of his needs. Not to mention, being open about why the discovery happened now instead of sooner.

Just like it took time for Adam to come to grips with his feelings, he has to give his lady time to digest. The focus is not on his needs at that point. The moment Adam decides to speak to his lady, the attention is tilted heavily on her feelings, her needs, and her understanding. This way, when he approaches her, he’s doing it from the most empathetic position he can use.

Wolf Wednesday Lesson

The same care Adam took to win the heart of his lady is the same care that needs to be applied when helping his lady discover his dark side. The focus is on her, her understanding, her needs, her feelings. She has to digest and decide what she wants to do with this discovery. After all, she’s the one who has to experience being secured by ropes.

Her safety concerns can’t be minimized or dismissed. A quick safe exit has to be explained and made available to her. Safe words need to be set. There is a lot of preparations that Adam has to guarantee.

Not everyone has the luxury of entering a relationship already knowing all that they will want or enjoy. It’s a continual process of discovery. When uncovering the dark side, one has to be the light that leads wisely so the partner finds the darkness reassuring and welcoming.

By the way, it’s ok to admit to not having all the answers… provided one is willing to work to finding the answers.

In conclusion, the best way to tell your partner about your dark side is through love that bolsters up trust. Any other way would be insufficient.

Until the Wolf Pack meets again, happy discoveries as well as commenting or sharing this post. (likes count too)