Whenever a good discussion about relationships come up, one can count on the mentioning of the male ego in the discussion. Why is it so fragile? What is it? How do we get rid of it in our men? What’s the point of an ego? Why must it show up in our relationship?

Yeah, women seem to not be too impressed with our egos, especially the part of it’s fragility. So, let’s just address this early in the year.

A fragile ego is the hallmark of a weak man. A strong man has mastery over his ego and makes it to submit to his will. Such a man, can lead patiently instead of react erratically and tempestuously – Shallows of Deep

Addressing the fragile male ego for Wolf Wednesday Q&A

Let’s start with a few basics, the male ego is vital for him to be himself. While not scientifically accurate, the male ego is the counterpart to the woman’s intuition.

Here’s why this is not scientifically accurate, the ego and the intuition aren’t physically tangible things we can examine side by side. However, their actions can be observed.

Humans have intuition. Just that society decided to call it a woman’s sixth sense mostly because they’ve cultivated this intuition more in women than in men. Therefore, men can be just as intuitive as woman are… and some argue even more so than some women. Just look at the bell curve and you’ll see.

The ego of a man alerts him to a lot of social cues that may elude his ‘logical circuits’. It’s the ego that alerts a man of competition in the workplace that’s covertly brewing between cubicles. It’s his ego that alerts him that another man is hitting on his lady and he should offer a decisive strong response.

It also is his ego that alerts him of emotional vulnerabilities to protect. Sadly, because of the way the most first world males are socialized, he hides his emotional vulnerabilities behind thick opaque veils of secrecy. Because it’s not a wall, but a veil designed to look like a wall, it’s possible to peek behind the curtains and see how he really feels. An astute sub does this routinely with ease.

A Dom is one who has gained mastery over himself before ever asking someone else to trust him to exert any level of mastery over them.

Therefore, the ego has no place to run wild inside of a Dom. This doesn’t mean he doesn’t have feelings or is not subject to the same temptations and tugs of any other ordinary man. A Dom just understands that his feelings are barometric devices alerting him of what is taking place, not a license to act.

This is why one can assert that a weak man is ego driven and a strong man is purpose driven. One is reactive the other is intentionally proactive.

Why are egos so fragile?

People don’t like to get their feelings hurt. Nor should they expect to have their feelings hurt either. How we react when our feelings get hurt shows a degree of our maturity.

Of course, the levels of maturity is situation dependent. One can be super mature about missing a deadline or failing a class while being very immature about being cut off on the highway or seeing their woman in a super short dress.

How?

Because different situations trigger different emotional skills. Some skills are developed and others aren’t. There is an average of skills a person possesses and in this average some skills are better than others. The goal is to bring up the average by keeping strong skills strong and bringing on new skills to such strength.

Men are sensitive to their rank in society. It’s linked to their sense of honor and respect. That’s why the bro code works so well with men. It’s hierarchical. Men fight hard to gain their rung in the ladder and fight relentlessly to keep themselves on their levels with hopes of going higher… never lower.

Anything that causes a man to feel like he’s lost rank will trigger feelings of disrespect and dishonor. One of the easiest ways to fix that is to fight for the loss honor and respect. In cave days, that was a physical duel to the death. Today, it’s emotional backlash and less lethal methods of asserting rank. (let’s not kid ourselves, many men have died at the hands of guns and knives fighting for respect and honor)

Where the ego comes into play, the intense feeling to correct the loss of rank and honor, moves a man to forget several codes of honor to regain what was loss. Men hate loss as much as women hate loss, they just are more prone to use physical means to reclaim their loss.

this is why… when a man is abusive, leaving him requires great skills and patience. His ego will lash out if his target tries to escape as it’s seen as an affront to his ego. You’ve got to outsmart him and have resources lined up to ensure he doesn’t catch back up to you. Too many women have died trying to escape abuse because the man lashed out and was a step ahead of her. if you’re trying to leave an abusive man, have a solid plan with solid resources so you make a clean permanent getaway Don’t just reactively leave without a plan… he will respond aggressively and track you down.

How does this tie into maturity?

A mature man is able to identify his feelings and separate his actions from his emotions. Meaning, he can sense he’s angry but opt to act calm and nice. His anger isn’t the deciding factor for his actions.

A weak/immature man, on the other hand, will react to his feelings looking for a way to make the unlabeled feelings go away. When frustrated he will react to destroy or dominate the source of his frustration. When sad he will do whatever he can to rid himself of the momentary awareness of sadness; drinking, playing, escaping, pacifying himself.

What makes the ego fragile is the emotional maturity level of the man. The stronger the man, the less fragile the ego. The more mature the man the stronger the ego.

Fragility is the inability to act in a mature way when emotions are flustered.