When your lady doesn’t like your kink…

We, all too often, deny our women of their essence because we aren’t getting our superficial. We didn’t get to see her in all leather that night so we don’t support her emotionally as she deals with a horrible boss. In the moment, we feel justified, but in the grand scheme of things, they get the short end of the stick.

Of course, our feelings are hurting as well. It’s hard to understand why our seemingly simple requests are being ignored or denied. In my case, it’s just simple harmless fun kink. How hard can it really be? It’s not like I’m asking her to learn a brand new set of skills. It’s things she already does in her normal course of living, but now done a bit more intentionally for my enjoyment. I would have a easier time of understanding if it was something she never heard of before…

And so, many days, as men, we stew in mounting levels of frustrations and anger with temptations to lash out or seek other solutions to our needs. I’ve had well meaning people tell me to entertain a more open form of relationship in which I have someone else non-sexually meet my kink needs. (for those who aren’t sure what that means… having a lady who participates in the visual aspect of my kinks but not engaged in sex with me). Yeah. No. I’m not that type of guy.

For the sake of simplicity, let’s just use the image (at the end of this post) to explain the difficulty in this negotiation.

A standard low key date involves going to eat and seeing a movie. These are activities that don’t require anyone to dress up for. However, I like to dress up a bit for a date. No matter how casual it may be. I’m not talking a tux or suit. I will put a button down shirt and khakis for such a date… with dress shoes. To me, that’s a nice relaxed respectful way to be with your lady.

My lady will throw on a casual blouse with jeans and sneakers for such a date. Any other normal guy would be thrilled. No. Not this guy. I have to be special. I want her to throw on heels with this look and hope her hair is not in a bun. For her, that is asking a bit much… especially in light that she’s explained to me that she’s not crazy about heels and she just wants to relax on her date comfortably.

Intellectually, I get it. I understand. It’s not easy walking about in any heels. It changes and complicates the look by dressing it up more than casual requires. But the kink side of me is thinking of all the other sexy things to follow after such a date… all the amazing wonderful ego flattering fun to come. She’s only thinking about being comfortable with the man she loves.

Historically. I was a fool. I pushed for the look I wanted. Then. Later. Would push for the bedroom fun I felt I had earned. Yeah… very naive and stupid of me. The trooper my wife is… tolerated me and kept gently reminding me of my selfish ways.

I was not appreciating how much she was not enjoying herself having to doll up in a situation she felt didn’t require it. There was little upside benefit to her participating in my kink, let alone visual interests. It was all about me.

That’s the thing we always forget. We’re asking our partners to make us happy at their cost. That is not cool. We have to acknowledge their efforts, their sacrifices, their contribution. To them, it’s a big deal. No matter how we feel about it.

Today. I don’t ask. I don’t pressure. I don’t impose. When we go out to eat and watch a movie, she wears whatever it is that makes her happy. I wear whatever it is that makes me happy. I’m not going to sit here and suggest that she has to consider my feelings and give me what I want. Trust me, that is not the way to nurture your woman’s heart and make her want to do anything.

Because I don’t ask. I don’t pressure. I don’t hint. I just let her be… she will surprise me every now and again by dressing up the way I like and playing in my kink the way I like. So much so that now it feels like it’s becoming part of our norm. She’s doing this from the kindness of her heart instead of in reaction to my demands.

From Kindness of love… not in reaction to demands

That’s where we guys get ourselves into a lot of trouble. Being transaction focused. (Yes, women are just as guilty of this, but as a male writer… you know). We demand from our lover and convince ourselves that we will return the favor later.

A rose doesn’t deliver her sweetest perfume before she’s been adequately watered, nourished, and groomed. You’ve got to work the soil, cultivate the land, allow the plant to grow, and when it has blossomed, you’re rewarded for your effort.

In the rose analogy, nowhere does the gardener dictate to the rose what kind of perfume it is to produce. In love, our women can decide to shower us with all kinds of sweetness. It does not have to be the kind we dreamed of at all.

My wife does so many amazing things to make my life easier. She does them her way. On her time. After all, I am attracted to a strong and independent woman. Of course she’s going to do things her way. I do my things my way as well.

As much as I negotiate, I have to be open to getting whatever I get. If I’m able to adjust and tailor myself such that she gets exactly what she wants, that’s more kudos for me to shower on myself. That’s all. Not to mention, the better I can deliver what she needs, as her man, the more secure she feels in my arms, which… really… is the point.

A Dom needs his sub. He can’t be all he can be without her. She is gifting him the luxury of a sensual canvas by which he can perfect his craft as Dom. Without her, he has no canvas to build any masterpiece. However, just because she’s offering herself as his canvas does not mean she’s leaving her brain/soul/heart outside the relationship. She’s just as much a co-creator in the experience as a lover should be.

It is in the Dom’s interest to bring his sub fully into the experience so the sum of the two creates a much greater whole for the both of them to enjoy thoroughly

Ultimately, it’s the sum of the parts… really

When we get past the transactional phases, it becomes about the relationship. We need the emotional connection. We need the safe places where our souls meet. We need the safety of each other’s hearts as we work through our own issues, as a team.

One poet once said… (paraphrased) he needed her soul to excise his demons so that he had room to cuddle her heart.

I can’t promise you that when you’ve got the emotional connection set that the kink will take care of itself. I foolishly held on to that notion and created my wife a lot of stress. Technically, it’s called the covert contract. It’s the situation in which you play nice and build a strong feeling connection with the secret hope that once the connection is built, they now have to deliver what you want or else. It’s emotional hostage taking. It’s wrong. It’s very hurtful.