When your lady doesn’t like your kink…

One of the biggest challenges of my early speaking years was helping fellas understand how women think. Especially during a time when I was baffled by how they thought. To compound the issue all the more, I grew up in an era where men’s values dictated women’s values. Times have since changed and the delicate dance between competing values continues.

Most people know what they like in life. Or so they tell you. The popular advice is to focus your energy on things you can control, such as your mood or response to events in life. What ever happens to things you’re passionated about that is not in your control? How does one deal with this?

The Negotiations

One of the early romantic challenges of my life involved the definition of what is sexy. I grew up in a place where most women appeared to enjoy dressing up. The most confident, most powerful, most elegant, most talented of the women dressed the part of success better than anyone else.

Their power was seen in their clothing. Their attitude matched. Few men dared challenge these women. They were trailblazers in all manners of social advancement of women’s rights. They broke glass ceilings. They changed society for the better. All while in their power suits and high heels.

Those who couldn’t or were unable to charge at the front, maintained their lives in less attractive clothing. Not that they dressed badly. Just less eye catching. To be fair, just dressed more conservatively than their powerful counterparts. This was not entirely their choice, in retrospect, as their fathers, brothers, and husbands demanded they adopt a more demure look to keep the male gaze away from them.

Side note: society has done women a great disservice by holding women accountable for what they can’t control… the male’s gaze. We ought to teach men how to respect themselves and women better… and not gawk, stare, drool, and gaze inappropriately. back to the post

With this image built during the sensitive formative years, one can easily understand why the desire to marry such a powerful confident well dressed intelligent woman makes sense. Problem is… I never accounted for differences in taste that happens as styles change. I just assumed that elite power women loved dressing up sharply.

The woman I would fall in love with did not have this understanding of power display. If anything, her idea of exhibiting strength and confidence involved maximal comfort and agility. Sweatpants and a t-shirt with sneakers/trainers was the iconic outfit of independence and strength.

Love did not care that we both didn’t agree on what looks hot and sexy. Love brought us together and we are good for each other. She’s wicked strong and independent. No one tells her how to be… including her husband. While I’m cool with that, the negotiations I expected didn’t go as planned.

Which brings us to today’s topic

I quickly found out that some of the advice I had given was not going to work. I can’t control nor do I want to control everything my wife does. This means… some of the things I enjoy continue to remain solidly my responsibility. But. There is always a “but”. Some of the things that turn me on the most are completely in her control. I am dependent on her.

For the record. I don’t like being dependent on anyone for anything. That leaves them in control of the very things that feed my soul. A place I actively avoid.

But, I’m married. It’s a partnership. We’re a team.

However. She’s got her preferences, her desires, her dreams, her vision. Which does not have to be identical to mine. I dream of going on a date in a sharp suit that makes women’s heart beat faster. I like that power display. Sharp, confident, strong, understated, effective. You get the point.

I also want my lady to look sexy, sensual, sweet, powerful, confident, eye catching, fancy, luxurious. I enjoy seeing men notice but intimidated to approach. I love seeing their struggle to admire and desire while too weak to do anything about their desires. Of course, my wife wants none of this. By this… I mean… the drawing of the male gaze her way. She wants me to look very dapper while she looks very comfortable. (exception to this, of course, when she wants to make an impression)

As a gentleman, I can’t insist she does things I want. I am to support and nourish her to be her best self. This means, on dates when I want to dress to the nines, out of respect for her needs, I dress casually to match her. There are times I’d love her do more but I’ve got to be happy with less.

And then, there is the topic of kink. Yeah… we don’t share the same appetite for kink. In all truth, I’m the one with the kinks and she’s not. This is extra hard for her because I have several. We don’t need to list them now either.

Counter Intuition

From a males perspective, it’s all to easy to ask and expect the woman to meet our needs, all of them. We want to be happy. We think, all too often, transactional-ly. If our women aren’t doing what we like, we start to hold back from doing what they like. This, clearly, is not the way to sustain love and romance. This tic-for-tac approach often leaves women burned, used, depleted, frustrated, and hurt.